Minghags
Ryan (speaking to Bam): Just because I’m not aesthetically pleasing like you and your beautiful eyes and your nice legs.
Big Brother Interview
Bam: Ryan has a big, fat head, like he could handle it.
Interviewer:
But what's the deal with you and make-up, though, you like to wear make-up?
Bam: Yeah, well, Valo wears make-up, and he's---
Interviewer:
And you went and got the same tattoos as that dude?
Bam: Well, I got an upside-down heart on my arm. What I really wanted was the
tattoo of the heartagram right above my cock area, so I ended up getting that
Interviewer:
But back to the night in New York, how did you and Knoxville end up in bed
together with make-up on?
Bam: Okay, after the fashion party we went to this haggard bar that Janeane
Garofalo likes to hang out at, and that's who we met there, and we got all this
make-up from the party becuase it was sponsored by M.A.C. make-up or something,
so we're just like look at all this shit we have, and then Garofalo, was
puttin' eyeliner on me and then doing it to Knoxville, and then sooner or later
everybody had it on, and we just got all hammered and we went back to the hotel
and we both woke up with make-up on and shit, and we're all like, in bed
together. I'm like, "Bro, chill out, I'm going back to Philly. Don't say a
word about this." He called up Tremaine, like "Tremaine, I woke up
the next morning and I'm in bed with Bam, and we both had make-up on."
Interviewer:
And why don't you tell everybody what it feels like to be confused for a little
girl when you were growing up.
Bam: What do you mean?
Interviewer: I heard that you looked
like a little girl when you were little.
Radio Bam
Radio Bam 6/26/2006
Ryan: I could fuck Bam in the ass to find out if I was gay and he could do it back to me. And he and I would look at each other and go “eeh. . .uumm. . .I donno I could take it or leave it”
Radio Bam 5/30/2005
Ville: And my personal assistant.
Bam: And his personal assistant.
Novak: Shit he brought his own PA with him today. God damn that’s hot!
Radio Bam 5/30/2005
Bam: Missy’s on my back and then Ville’s drivin’ and the Dreamseller’s behind him and he has his shirt off. It was so bromantic.
Shitbird: First date!
Novak: It was the best gay date of my life!
. . .
Novak: But this is what’s so gay about it. Ville likes to pull to the right so we’re already on the right side of the road. So what is so gay is that not only am I straddling him, my dick’s basically in his ass, my arms are wrapped around him.
Radio Bam 5/30/2005
Bam: Suck my ass.
Ville: I will!
Radio Bam 5/30/2005
Ville: BamBam, we need to get married!
Novak: Shit!
Ville: What do you say, Bam? Are we getting married?
Novak: I say that to a bitch every night!
Ville: Are you getting married with me?
Bam: Right now?
Ville: Yeah, now!
. . .
Bam: Dreamseller, would you marry me?
Novak: Yes! In a fucking heartbeat!
Bam: Zille Zalo, would you marry me?
Ville: Uumm. . .if I had to.
. . .
Novak: Lifepartner, would you have me for the rest of your life in the hand of marriage?
Bam: Fuckin’ a right, bitch!
Novak: Now let’s suck dicks!
Radio Bam 10/21/2005
Bam: Mine’s more faggoty.
Ville Valo: Well you are more faggoty than me.
Radio Bam 8/5/2006
Ryan: They’re all looking at me like there’s a leash connected to my hand and his neck.
Radio Bam 8/5/2006
Bam: It’s getting pretty annoying!
Ryan (in the cutest voice ever): You want me to tickle you?
Bam: Goddamn!
Radio Bam 8/5/2006
Ryan: Rooftop admitted to me while we were Brokebacking in the pool. . .
Radio Bam 8/5/2006
Ryan: Give me a call in half an hour. Let’s go get drunk and do things we might regret!
Rooftop: Oh let’s do it! I’m gonna get hopped up and make some bad decisions!
Radio Bam 8/5/2006
Bam: No, son. No you do not want to be like them! They are drunken idiots!
Radio Bam 8/5/2006
Ryan: It’s like dropping a little dab of oil in the middle of vinegar, ya know, they all scatter. Bad analogy, I’ll shut up.
Radio Bam 8/5/2006
Ryan: So I ended up getting anally raped just so we could get a purple Lamborghini across the border.
Radio Bam 8/5/2006
Ryan: If I had gotten that ticket in America they would have hit me with a cat-o-nine-tails.
Radio Bam 8/5/2006
Ryan: Which coincidentally happened because the guy’s a freaking moron! This is my best friend, Bam, he doesn’t have a brain.
Radio Bam 5/15/2006
Ryan: Wait a minute, I can have 15 husbands but you can’t drink?
Radio Bam 2/6/2006
Bam: No, I drove from Orlando to Miami and it was the most boring fucking scenery ever. There’s not one mountain up in this joint.
Ryan: I was so bored in the car driving from Orlando down to Miami that I beat off three times.
(So Ryan pulled out his dick while in the car with Bam just because he was bored?)
Radio Bam 2/6/2006
Bam: I came on the seat he was sitting on. And then I took a Polaroid of it then when he sat down I took a Polaroid of me telling him. Then I took another Polaroid of him like feeling all the shit that I had cum all over.
. . .
Ryan: If you wanna call in and talk about Bam cumming on me—my seat.
Radio Bam 2/6/2006
Ryan: If I were to give the Earth an enema I’d stick the tube in Cancun.
April: Hey, Dunn, you’d know about enemas!
Bam gasps!
Radio Bam 2/6/2006
April: Speaking of what you’re doin. What are you sticking up your butt for this move? A Tonka truck?
Ryan: No, no. Luckily I passed that torch on to somebody else, you’ll see.
April and Phil: Uh oh!
Ryan: I gave up that job. Oh, my butt has taken a beating over the years. I’m giving it a little rest, it’s on vacation.
April: Yeah I’m sure.
Bam: Yeah right! Who was that dude who came out of your room last night?
Ryan: Well I’m talking about for film!
April: Oh my gosh.
Ryan: Something that happens behind my door is my business.
(By the way this was during shooting for Jackass 2 and Jackass 2.5, which
just happens to be the movie where Bam has some fun with butt beads.)
Radio Bam 2/6/2006
They were talking about snorkeling.
Phil: And you know how you suck through the water? You could die.
Ryan: I’ve had much worse in my mouth.
Radio Bam 2/6/2006
Ryan: So you’re saying that’s not cheating if he’s doing a dude?
Natalie: I just don’t want to know about it.
Ryan: Alright then I won’t tell you.
Natalie: It was probably you! Is this Dunn?
Bam quickly turns the conversation away from Ryan.
Radio Bam 2/6/2006
Bam: Would you rather eat a bowl of dicks or a bucket of cocks?
Missy: A bowl is smaller! A bucket is large.
Bam: Dunn would take the bucket!
April: I am not sinking into your underground, my friend.
Ryan: I’d take the whole menu.
Radio Bam 2/6/2006
April: Jesse!
Jess: Yo!
Bam: Hey man, did you get any sweet dick on tour yet?
Radio Bam 2/6/2006
Bam: How’s Avenge Sevenfold?
Jess: I’m being shot with a BB gun!
Bam: Faggot!
Jess: What?
Radio Bam 2/6/2006
Ryan: Yo, Jess?
Jess: What?
Ryan: I’ll tell you what, man. From all the traveling I’m doing I realized the cum in Florida really goes through me. It gives me a sour stomach down here.
Bam: I don’t even want to talk about yesterday!
Radio Bam 2/6/2006
They were talking about Shitbird.
April: Oh my god, he is crazy! You should have heard his sound check the other day at the Crowbar in Penn State. That they put like 12 billion people into a small little place.
Ryan: But man does he have a sweet ass!
Radio Bam 2/6/2006
April: Get this. Dunn pulls up 1996 at my house.
Ryan: Oh god. Everyone’s heard this story!
April: In not his car, takes my two kids and Raab, Chris Raab.
Bam: Oh fuck this! Everyone’s heard this! Ryan flipped the car eight times and duh duh duh (When he’s saying this Bam seems really annoyed with April for bringing this up and he seems like he’s protecting Ryan)
April: Into oncoming traffic and flipped another car!
Ryan: Seriously, April! I’ve been fucking apologizing for ten years now! It’s the worst accident I’ve ever had and I’m sorry! I almost killed my best friend!
Radio Bam 1/6/2009
Ryan: Wait a minute. Missy, did you hear about Bam and I in Manhattan two
nights ago?
Bam: Oh god!
Ryan: And he got out of his bed and climbed into mine, and fell asleep cuddling
me. His head was in my arms.
Missy: No!
Ryan: And he kept pulling my body into him like I was a pillow.
Bam: No, didn’t we-
Missy: Did you think he was me?
Bam: No! We talked for – I sat next to him and we talked for two hours and we
Missy (in the background): fell in love?
Bam: were having a blast. Apparently I fell asleep in his bed then when I woke
up I was so confused. I was like ‘wait a minute, why the fuck am I in your bed
and you’re sleepin in. . .what the hell happened?
Ryan: You didn’t fall asleep in my bed! You fell asleep in my arms, faggot.
Bam: Let me ask you this, was I just in the middle of talking then I just fell
asleep?
Ryan: No you were still talking, and you like huddled up next to me. And you
say the same thing over and over again. It was very nice. You were being very
nice.
Radio Bam 1/6/2009
Jess: The cuddle thing with you guys seems to be a pattern cause I remember you
both came on tour once. And you both crawled into a bunk together. And I’m like
‘Dunn, Bam, there’s like two extra bunks’ and you’re like ‘we know’.
Ryan: There’s no denying it. We’re kinda close.
Bam: Yeah then the next day I into climb into your bunk and jack off on you.
Ryan: Wait a minute! You were trying to jerk off on Deron the other night when
they were practicing!
Franz filming at Sexfest in Finland
Ryan: So here we are
and I’m covered in semen.
Bam: Because?
Ryan: Because I have a beard and guys think I’m cute and fluffy.
Belladonna: You are!
Bam: You’re an otter! You have a tattoo.
Ryan: I do. I actually do have an otter tattoo.
Bam: See?
Ryan: Otter for life.
Bam: A skinny guy with a hairy chest.
Bam pulls down the front of Ryan’s shirt
Ryan: I meant it as a joke, and here in Finland it became literal.
Belladonna: Wait is that like a term?
Bam: Otter? Yeah!
Ryan: You know bears?
Belladonna: Oh my god!
Bam: What do they actually call them?
Ryan: Grizzlies! American grizzlies.
Belladonna: I know the bear term.
Ryan: And big, fat, hairy, gay dudes call skinny, hairy dudes otters. . .gay
dudes!
Belladonna: Maybe that’s why they do that to you!
Ryan: Apparently!
Bam: You’re a hot otter!
Ryan: I’m a fucking otter!
Q&A with Bam and Ryan from YouTube
Ryan: He has a nose
ring.
Bam: It’s infected!
Ryan: I know.
Bam: I need saline solution
Ryan: It’s your body telling you that was a bad idea.
Bam: It was in Vegas. Everything’s a bad idea! But anyway, let’s get started.
Ryan: Is your penis infected?
Bam: It may be.
Ryan: Jesus!
Ryan: Who’s your favorite cast member. . .besides each other.
Bam laughs.
Ryan: Cute.
Ryan: Do you have a worst memory being involved in Jackass stunts?
Bam: Yeah! Me breaking my tailbone in the dead of winter and then I get an
x-ray of my tiny ass ding-ding.
Ryan: It is pretty small.
Bam: It was February!
Ryan: It’s small anyway.
Bam: It was cold out.
Ryan: Yeah keep on telling yourself that.
Ryan: Boring!
Bam: How is that boring? That entertainment!
Ryan: Because I heard it like 7 times today
Bam: Cause you’re with me 24/7!
Ryan: I’m not a fan of. . .life. It seems aggravating. Next! Meghan from
Columbus.
Bam: That’s Georgia.
Ryan growls deeply in frustration.
Ryan: What kind of things do you like to do when you’re not purposely hurting
yourself to make us laugh?
Bam: Uuhh. I like to watch internet porn.
Ryan: Who doesn’t?
Bam: Skateboard.
Ryan: I like to wear shoes!
Ryan and Bam speaking about the dry set of Jackass 3D
Bam: Sometimes I’d take a little bottle of vodka. One of them tiny things from
the minibar and just put it in my pocket for safety purposes. But other than
that no.
Ryan: Ha! He said sometimes!
Bam: What’s your dream?
Ryan: A nine iron, a bag of ice and. . .we’ll stop there.
Bam: Nice.
Ryan: Well this one I consider funnier.
Bam: More funny is the proper term
Ryan: Are you serious? We’re gonna go down this road?
Bam: If you want to! I could battle with you all day.
Viva La Bam
Season 1, Episode 6
Ryan: If you just push it harder it’ll go in.
(I will admit that this one was taken completely out of context)
Season 1, Episode 7
Bam: I need you to drop a dufflebag of jargon.
Season 2, Episode 1
April: I feel like I’m in Disney World.
Bam: You’re not in Disney World; you’re in Bam World now.
April: Ryan?
Ryan: What?
April: Are you supposed to be the mover here?
Ryan: Yeah
April: Well then you’re fired!
Season 2, Episode 2
Bam: Slayer’s comin tomorrow
Ryan: Tomorrow!? Tell ‘em to come today!
Bam throws a clump of mud at Ryan.
Bam: Nah they’re flying in tomorrow.
Ryan: Tomorrow’s okay!
April: Who wants to live in purgatory?
Ryan raises his hand.
Ryan and Bam are covered in mud.
Bam: Let’s hop in the shower.
Glomb: Together?
Bam: Yeah!
Ryan: Jesus!
Season 2, Episode 3
Bam: We have a surprise for them!
Ryan: We got unicorns!
Bam: Well that too! But the main thing is this sleggie here.
Bam pulls out a sledgehammer. Ryan grabs
the sledgehammer from Bam. Bam swats Ryan’s ass.
Season 2, Episode 6
Ryan has Raab sitting on his lap in a
golf cart.
Bam: Well luckily tomorrow’s Saturday.
April: We get mail on Saturday.
Bam: We get mail?
April: Yes.
Ryan: I didn’t know either.
Bam: I didn’t know that.
Ryan: You didn’t do anything. You went on vacation in L.A.!
Bam: I made a phone call.
Ryan: No.
Bam: What about the bat?
Ryan: Brandon.
Season 3, Episode 2
Ryan: Vito, I’m dumb as a box of rocks and you’re coming underneath me.
Vito: You can’t have a Jeep in the Civil War!
Bam: We’re from the future!
Season 3, Episode 3
Bam and Ryan are shaking hands at the end of the prank wars.
Ryan: No no! Oh no! Don’t do the face!
Bam: I didn’t do any face!
Ryan: You just did the—the face thing. Don’t do that!
Bam: No, I didn’t! I’m serious.
Ryan: Alright we’re even. Awesome.
Season 3, Episode 4
Bam: If Vito gets a note he wins in my book!
Ryan: A note? He can’t speak a lick of English!
Raab: You can’t help him!
Bam: I know this is my show, but change the channel right now! Because what you’re about to hear is the worst shit you’re ever going to hear in your life.
Bam: It happens to be. . .
Dico: 5:87 in the A.M.
Bam: And Phil and Don Vito are getting a tandem wake up because this is the beginning of their rockstar training.
Dico: Tandem wake up! You know what that is? No? Well it’s a cornucopia of pleasure full fun synchronized with another wake up for everyone to enjoy! Oh boy!
Bam: It’s never been done before!
Bam: We got Raab, Ryan and Glomb out training them up. Bran, what the hell are you going to do?
Dico: I just want to sit here and download porn and smut.
Bam: Fair enough!
Dico: Eew! It’s a dog!
Bam: We have done everything we can with Phil and Vito and it just doesn’t seem to be working out. So we’re going to introduce them to someone new!
Ryan: Please tell me it’s not that Hillary Duff t-shirt of your’s!
Bam: It’s not Hillary Duff although she is sweet!
Bloodhound Gang is on stage talking to the audience.
Jimmy Pop: You know what’s really big in rock n’ roll? We all French kiss. So now I’m going to French kiss Don Vito!
(For the record this was Bam’s idea)
Season 3, Episode 6
Bam: They do it in Chicago during St. Patrick’s Day!
April: Well it’s not St. Patrick’s Day! It’s July!
Ryan: Then we’ll be ready when St. Patrick’s Day comes around.
Season 3, Episode 7
Ryan: The thing is I got me and like eight of my friends stayin in the mall all night. What will it cost me for you to let us sleep in here tonight? It’s either you let us do it or we’re just going to break in.
Ryan: Quit hitting on me! Especially when you look so pretty.
Rake: You’re gonna be hittin on me after this
Ryan: I know. I’m getting started right now
Ryan: I’m gonna take you somewhere and show you off, precious
Rake: Okay, asshole. Let’s go do it!
Season 3, Episode 8
Bam: And now Raab’s gonna hit himself in the nuts.
Raab: What?
Bam: Common, man! You gonna disappoint the audience? Just do it!
Raab hits himself in the nuts.
Ryan: He didn’t even beg!
Tim O’Conner: Kids, don’t ever be el stupido and try this. Bam is a professional.
Bam: Let’s rock this thing so maybe we can fall over and get out.
Ryan: yes, that’s the way I wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon. . .dead.
Season 4, Episode 1
Novak: I got warrants, I can’t go anywhere.
Bam: He’s telling the truth!
Bam: Alright pack your shit, we’re going to Europe! I’ll handle our tickets and you handle Vito’s tickets!
Ryan: You want me to screw up his tickets?
Bam: Hell yeah! Fuck it up! Do what you do.
Raab: What are we going to do about Novak?
Bam: I don’t know, replace him with Tim O’Conner!
Bam: That’s it! It’s settled! Anniversary dinner in Venice!
April: Why is it always settled and I never get to say anything?
April: It’s too expensive for us to travel all over.
Bam: Not when you have a tour bus!
April: We don’t have a tour bus.
Bam: I took HIM’s tour bus.
April: You did not!
Bam: Sorry, guys! I really did.
April: Really? You really did?
Bam: Wanna see a flashback?
Bam: Dunn, I have an idea!
April: Oh no.
Bam: Meet me over there and get my burgundy blazer! You guys are on your own. We’ll be back!
Season 4, Episode 2
Bam: Where’d you get garlic?
Ryan: I bought it! I’m not comin up here shorthanded!
Bam: I’ll chill here.
Ryan: Don’t leave!
Bam: I won’t.
Ryan: I’ll come back out you won’t be here, I’ll become Dracula’s bitch.
Crew Member: Don’t let him suck your blood!
Ryan: Time’s running out. Clock.
Holds his hand out for a clock to be digitally entered in.
Ryan: Need more product. Paint splash. Someone kill me.
Season 4, Episode 3
Ryan: That's what laundry looks like?
Season 4, Episode 4
Ryan: Ten bucks something is broken. . .on him.
Bam: Well if it isn’t Raab, himself.
Raab: Yo, Bam baby!
Bam: Dunn, you coming?
Ryan: Not unless I'm driving!
Bam: Wish me luck!
Season 4,Episode 5
April: Don’t you want to sing camp songs?
Ryan: Oh my god.
April: Why? Can’t believe you guys are losers and building a bar.
Ryan: Guys like become friends after they beat the shit out of each other.
Glomb: I’m sorry, man!
Ryan Speaking through an Alligator: Glomb, shut up. Nobody wants to hear from you. Put me back.
Glomb laughing hysterically
Ryan: I don’t know why he has a British accent!
Glomb and Ryan set a bunch of frogs loose in Bam’s tent.
Ryan: Apparently he didn’t find his prince. Maybe he should have kissed one.
Season 4, Episode 6
Police Officer: Don’t do anything stupid
Bam: I wasn’t planning on it.
Police Officer: Good. I’ll arrest your ass.
Season 4, Episode 8
Bam: Why are you wearing those purple sweatpants? They aren’t even part of the challenge?
Ryan: Why are you wearing a purple jacket, Liberace?
Bam: I like Liberace!
April: Did you get arrested? Did you get hurt?
Ryan: Did we get arrested?
April: How much did it cost for fines?
Glomb: Gee thanks, April!
April: Hey this was your game!
Season 5, Episode 3
Novak: Why were you drinkin with him at the bar?
Dico: You’d take a free beer! You’d take a free blowjob from a 40-year-old man if you could, freak show!
Season 5, Episode 5
Novak: If you have nothing to prove you would take the test.
April: I wouldn’t take the Lamborghini, jailbait!
Bam: Lifepartner would never take the Lambo.
Ryan: Are you satisfied because I need to go work on the car so I can whoop your non-existing one.
Jimmy Pop: Have you ever tried calling you? I called you like 17 times and I left messages and I even say dirty things on it. Cause I think that would get you mad and get you all fired up and you’ll call me. And you’re just like ‘Goddamn phone. I’m Bam Margera, I got my own show and them skateboarding shoes got my names on ‘em’
Bam: He’s got no idea that it’s back!
Jimmy Pop: And he’s got a beard!
Dico: Ryan, have you ever had a boyfriend?
Ryan: No.
The lie detector hooked up to Ryan starts spiking.
Jimmy Pop: Can I kiss you?
Bam laughs nervously.
Season 5, Episode 6
Novak is doing laps in Bam’s pool.
April: How come every time there’s war I have to watch him swim naked?
Bam tackles Ryan in the middle of Time Square.
Bam: HANDCUFF HIM!
Season 5, Episode 7
Raab: We just had to carry the boat a mile.
Ryan comes up and kisses Raab on the cheek.
Raab: That makes it all better!
Season 5, Episode 8
Ryan: You are flying to another country and you’re not sure where you’re going? Well you guys are some bright bulbs.
Novak: Yo Bam, what do I do while everyone’s gone?
Bam: Just do what you do best! Drink on somebody else’s bar tab and hump a minghag.
Raab: And try to stay out of jail!
The Lost Episode of Viva La Bam
Dico and Bam push a barrel containing Ryan down a waterfall while shooting in Europe.
Bam: I helped Brandon push the barrel off. And once he landed I literally ran so fast to the bottom and jumped into the water to help Raab get him out.
Viva La Spring Break
Bam: What are you doing here? Don’t you have something to do?
Ryan: I made a deal with my legs. They don’t work until noon.
Ryan: You guys want a drink? Settled! Drink!
Ryan stands up to reveal he is only wearing a wife beater and his underwear.
Bam: Jesus! What happened to your pants?
Ryan: What?
Bam: What happened to your pants?
Ryan: Lost them in a gentleman’s bet.
Ryan looks at the floor and swings his foot.
Ryan: No animals were hurt during the filming of this show.
Bam and Ryan walk off. A cow explodes in the background. They come back into frame.
Ryan: Except for that one.
Bam: Whoops!
Bam: So we just arrived in London.
Bam starts crossing the street.
Crew Member: Whoa, Bam! Whoa!
A car comes up and hits Bam knocking him off his feet.
Ryan: Oh my god.
Ryan helps Bam back to his feet.
Bam: I forgot the cars go the other way. I fucking just woke up! God damnit!
Ryan: What he’s trying to say is: this is London and cars drive in the other direction here in London!
A few months ago Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera and Steve-O gave in interview about Jackass 3-D in which they discuss their views on homosexuality. It only makes me love these guys even more! But what I find very interesting about this part of the interview is that Bam doesn't say a word. The rest of the time he's always adding his two cents except when the reporter asks about homosexuality. It maked me wonder if this subject hit a little too close to home for Bam.
So listen, I’m not sure how to broach this subject. There’s a lot of half-naked men in Jackass, and a lot of anal play and nipple torture and testicle touching. Is it possible that Jackass is at least a smidge gay?
Knoxville: I’m offended you just said a smidge!
It’s more than a smidge?
Knoxville: We’re over here sitting on rainbows and you say a smidge.
You’re a gay pride parade waiting to happen?
Knoxville: We’re a gay pride parade that’s happening! And in 3-D!
It’s not just homoerotic tension?
Knoxville: No, man, it’s all about release with us.
Steve-O: We always thought it was funny to force a heterosexual MTV generation to deal with all of our thongs and homoerotic humor. In many ways, all our gay humor has been a humanitarian attack against homophobia. We’ve been trying to rid the world of homophobia for years, and I think gay people really dig it too.
This was way too easy. I had all of these questions designed to lure you into admitting your subconscious desire to fuck each other. But apparently you’re not suppressing anything.
Knoxville: Suppressing?! Wait till I tell the guys you said suppressing! We’re not suppressing anything! We’re over here sitting on dicks!
